I
Raskolnikov got up, and sat down on the sofa. He waved his hand weakly to Razumihin to cut short the flow of warm and incoherent consolations he was addressing to his mother and sister, took them both by the hand and for a minute or two gazed from one to the other without speaking. His mother was alarmed by his expression. It revealed an emotion agonisingly poignant, and at the same time something immovable, almost insane. Pulcheria Alexandrovna began to cry.
Avdotya Romanovna was pale; her hand trembled in her brotherās.
āGo homeā⦠with him,ā he said in a broken voice, pointing to Razumihin, āgoodbye till tomorrow; tomorrow everythingā⦠Is it long since you arrived?ā
āThis evening, Rodya,ā answered Pulcheria Alexandrovna, āthe train was awfully late. But, Rodya, nothing would induce me to leave you now! I will spend the night here, near youāā¦ā
āDonāt torture me!ā he said with a gesture of irritation.
āI will stay with him,ā cried Razumihin, āI wonāt leave him for a moment. Bother all my visitors! Let them rage to their heartsā content! My uncle is presiding there.ā
āHow, how can I thank you!ā Pulcheria Alexandrovna was beginning, once more pressing Razumihinās hands, but Raskolnikov interrupted her again.
āI canāt have it! I canāt have it!ā he repeated irritably, ādonāt worry me! Enough, go awayā⦠I canāt stand it!ā
āCome, mamma, come out of the room at least for a minute,ā Dounia whispered in dismay; āwe are distressing him, thatās evident.ā
āMaynāt I look at him after three years?ā wept Pulcheria Alexandrovna.
āStay,ā he stopped them again, āyou keep interrupting me, and my ideas get muddled.ā⦠Have you seen Luzhin?ā
āNo, Rodya, but he knows already of our arrival. We have heard, Rodya, that Pyotr Petrovitch was so kind as to visit you today,ā Pulcheria Alexandrovna added somewhat timidly.
āYesā⦠he was so kindā⦠Dounia, I promised Luzhin Iād throw him downstairs and told him to go to hell.āā¦ā
āRodya, what are you saying! Surely, you donāt mean to tell usāā¦ā Pulcheria Alexandrovna began in alarm, but she stopped, looking at Dounia.
Avdotya Romanovna was looking attentively at her brother, waiting for what would come next. Both of them had heard of the quarrel from Nastasya, so far as she had succeeded in understanding and reporting it, and were in painful perplexity and suspense.
āDounia,ā Raskolnikov continued with an effort, āI donāt want that marriage, so at the first opportunity tomorrow you must refuse Luzhin, so that we may never hear his name again.ā
āGood Heavens!ā cried Pulcheria Alexandrovna.
āBrother, think what you are saying!ā Avdotya Romanovna began impetuously, but immediately checked herself. āYou are not fit to talk now, perhaps; you are tired,ā she added gently.
āYou think I am delirious? Noā⦠You are marrying Luzhin for my sake. But I wonāt accept the sacrifice. And so write a letter before tomorrow, to refuse himā⦠Let me read it in the morning and that will be the end of it!ā
āThat I canāt do!ā the girl cried, offended, āwhat right have youāā¦ā
āDounia, you are hasty, too, be quiet, tomorrowā⦠Donāt you seeāā¦ā the mother interposed in dismay. āBetter come away!ā
āHe is raving,ā Razumihin cried tipsily, āor how would he dare! Tomorrow all this nonsense will be overā⦠today he certainly did drive him away. That was so. And Luzhin got angry, too.ā⦠He made speeches here, wanted to show off his learning and he went out crestfallen.āā¦ā
āThen itās true?ā cried Pulcheria Alexandrovna.
āGoodbye till tomorrow, brother,ā said Dounia compassionatelyā āālet us go, motherā⦠Goodbye, Rodya.ā
āDo you hear, sister,ā he repeated after them, making a last effort, āI am not delirious; this marriage isā āan infamy. Let me act like a scoundrel, but you mustnātā⦠one is enoughā⦠and though I am a scoundrel, I wouldnāt own such a sister. Itās me or Luzhin! Go now.āā¦ā
āBut youāre out of your mind! Despot!ā roared Razumihin; but Raskolnikov did not and perhaps could not answer. He lay down on the sofa, and turned to the wall, utterly exhausted. Avdotya Romanovna looked with interest at Razumihin; her black eyes flashed; Razumihin positively started at her glance.
Pulcheria Alexandrovna stood overwhelmed.
āNothing would induce me to go,ā she whispered in despair to Razumihin. āI will stay somewhere hereā⦠escort Dounia home.ā
āYouāll spoil everything,ā Razumihin answered in the same whisper, losing patienceā āācome out on to the stairs, anyway. Nastasya, show a light! I assure you,ā he went on in a half whisper on the stairsā āāthat he was almost beating the doctor and me this afternoon! Do you understand? The doctor himself! Even he gave way and left him, so as not to irritate him. I remained downstairs on guard, but he dressed at once and slipped off. And he will slip off again if you irritate him, at this time of night, and will do himself some mischief.āā¦ā
āWhat are you saying?ā
āAnd Avdotya Romanovna canāt possibly be left in those lodgings without you. Just think where you are staying! That blackguard Pyotr Petrovitch couldnāt find you better lodgingsā⦠But you know Iāve had a little to drink, and thatās what makes meā⦠swear; donāt mind it.āā¦ā
āBut Iāll go to the landlady here,ā Pulcheria Alexandrovna insisted, āIāll beseech her to find some corner for Dounia and me for the night. I canāt leave him like that, I cannot!ā
This conversation took place on the landing just before the landladyās door. Nastasya lighted them from a step below. Razumihin was in extraordinary excitement. Half an hour earlier, while he was bringing Raskolnikov home, he had indeed talked too freely, but he was aware of it himself, and his head was clear in spite of the vast quantities he had imbibed. Now he was in a state bordering on ecstasy, and all that he had drunk seemed to fly to his head with redoubled effect. He stood with the two ladies, seizing both by their hands, persuading them, and giving them reasons with astonishing plainness of speech, and at almost every word he uttered, probably to emphasise his arguments, he squeezed their hands painfully as in a vise. He stared at Avdotya Romanovna without the least regard for good manners. They sometimes pulled their hands out of his huge bony paws, but far from noticing what was the matter, he drew them all the closer to him. If theyād told him to jump head foremost from the staircase, he would have done it without thought or hesitation in their service. Though Pulcheria Alexandrovna felt that the young man was really too eccentric and pinched her hand too much, in her anxiety over her Rodya she looked on his presence as providential, and was unwilling to notice all his peculiarities. But though Avdotya Romanovna shared her anxiety, and was not of timorous disposition, she could not see the glowing light in his eyes without wonder and almost alarm. It was only the unbounded confidence inspired by Nastasyaās account of her brotherās queer friend, which prevented her from trying to run away from him, and to persuade her mother to do the same. She realised, too, that even running away was perhaps impossible now. Ten minutes later, however, she was considerably reassured; it was characteristic of Razumihin that he showed his true nature at once, whatever mood he might be in, so that people quickly saw the sort of man they had to deal with.
āYou canāt go to the landlady, thatās perfect nonsense!ā he cried. āIf you stay, though you are his mother, youāll drive him to a frenzy, and then goodness knows what will happen! Listen, Iāll tell you what Iāll do: Nastasya will stay with him now, and Iāll conduct you both home, you canāt be in the streets alone; Petersburg is an awful place in that way.ā⦠But no matter! Then Iāll run straight back here and a quarter of an hour later, on my word of honour, Iāll bring you news how he is, whether he is asleep, and all that. Then, listen! Then Iāll run home in a twinklingā āIāve a lot of friends there, all drunkā āIāll fetch Zossimovā āthatās the doctor who is looking after him, he is there, too, but he is not drunk; he is not drunk, he is never drunk! Iāll drag him to Rodya, and then to you, so that youāll get two reports in the hourā āfrom the doctor, you understand, from the doctor himself, thatās a very different thing from my account of him! If thereās anything wrong, I swear Iāll bring you here myself, but, if itās all right, you go to bed. And Iāll spend the night here, in the passage, he wonāt hear me, and Iāll tell Zossimov to sleep at the landladyās, to be at hand. Which is better for him: you or the doctor? So come home then! But the landlady is out of the question; itās all right for me, but itās out of the question for you: she wouldnāt take you, for sheāsā⦠for sheās a foolā⦠Sheād be jealous on my account of Avdotya Romanovna and of you, too, if you want to knowā⦠of Avdotya Romanovna certainly. She is an absolutely, absolutely unaccountable character! But I am a fool, too!ā⦠No matter! Come along! Do you trust me? Come, do you trust me or not?ā
āLet us go, mother,ā said Avdotya Romanovna, āhe will certainly do what he has promised. He has saved Rodya already, and if the doctor really will consent to spend the night here, what could be better?ā
āYou see, youā⦠youā⦠understand me, because you are an angel!ā Razumihin cried in ecstasy, ālet us go! Nastasya! Fly upstairs and sit with him with a light; Iāll come in a quarter of an hour.ā
Though Pulcheria Alexandrovna was not perfectly convinced, she made no further resistance. Razumihin gave an arm to each and drew them down the stairs. He still made her uneasy, as though he was competent and good-natured, was he capable of carrying out his promise? He seemed in such a condition.āā¦
āAh, I see you think I am in such a condition!ā Razumihin broke in upon her thoughts, guessing them, as he strolled along the pavement with huge steps, so that the two ladies could hardly keep up with him, a fact he did not observe, however. āNonsense! That isā⦠I am drunk like a fool, but thatās not it; I am not drunk from wine. Itās seeing you has turned my headā⦠But donāt mind me! Donāt take any notice: I am talking nonsense, I am not worthy of you.ā⦠I am utterly unworthy of you! The minute Iāve taken you home, Iāll pour a couple of pailfuls of water over my head in the gutter here, and then I shall be all right.ā⦠If only you knew how I love you both! Donāt laugh, and donāt be angry! You may be angry with anyone, but not with me! I am his friend, and therefore I am your friend, too, I want to beā⦠I had a presentimentā⦠Last year there was a momentā⦠though it wasnāt a presentiment really, for you seem to have fallen from heaven. And I expect I shanāt sleep all nightā⦠Zossimov was afraid a little time ago that he would go madā⦠thatās why he mustnāt be irritated.ā
āWhat do you say?ā cried the mother.
āDid the doctor really say that?ā asked Avdotya Romanovna, alarmed.
āYes, but itās not so, not a bit of it. He gave him some medicine, a powder, I saw it, and then your coming here.ā⦠Ah! It would have been better if you had come tomorrow. Itās a good thing we went away. And in an hour Zossimov himself will report to you about everything. He is not drunk! And I shanāt be drunk.ā⦠And what made me get so tight? Because they got me into an argument, damn them! Iāve sworn never to argue! They talk such trash! I almost came to blows! Iāve left my uncle to preside. Would you believe, they insist on complete absence of individualism and thatās just what they relish! Not to be themselves, to be as unlike themselves as they can. Thatās what they regard as the highest point of progress. If only their nonsense were their own, but as it isāā¦ā
āListen!ā Pulcheria Alexandrovna interrupted timidly, but it only added fuel to the flames.
āWhat do you think?ā shouted Razumihin, louder than ever, āyou think I am attacking them for talking nonsense? Not a bit! I like them to talk nonsense. Thatās manās one privilege over all creation. Through error you come to the truth! I am a man because I err! You never reach any truth without making fourteen mistakes and very likely a hundred and fourteen. And a fine thing, too, in its way; but we canāt even make mistakes on our own account! Talk nonsense, but talk your own nonsense, and Iāll kiss you for it. To go wrong in oneās own way is better than to go right in someone elseās. In the first case you are a man, in the second youāre no better than a bird. Truth wonāt escape you, but life can be cramped. There have been examples. And what are we doing now? In science, development, thought, invention, ideals, aims, liberalism, judgment, experience and everything, everything, everything, we are still in the preparatory class at school. We prefer to live on other peopleās ideas, itās what we are used to! Am I right, am I right?ā cried Razumihin, pressing and shaking the two ladiesā hands.
āOh, mercy, I do not know,ā cried poor Pulcheria Alexandrovna.
āYes, yesā⦠though I donāt agree with you in everything,ā added Avdotya Romanovna earnestly and at once uttered a cry, for he squeezed her hand so painfully.
āYes, you say yesā⦠well after that youā⦠youāā¦ā he cried in a transport, āyou are a fount of goodness, purity, senseā⦠and perfection. Give me your handā⦠you give me yours, too! I want to kiss your hands here at once, on my kneesāā¦ā and he fell on his knees on the pavement, fortunately at that time deserted.
āLeave off, I entreat you, what are you doing?ā Pulcheria Alexandrovna cried, greatly distressed.
āGet up, get up!ā said Dounia laughing, though she, too, was upset.
āNot for anything till you let me kiss your hands! Thatās it! Enough! I get up and weāll go on! I am a luckless fool, I am unworthy of you and drunkā⦠and I am ashamed.ā⦠I am not worthy to love you, but to do homage to you is the duty of every man who is not a perfect beast! And Iāve done homage.ā⦠Here are your lodgings, and for that alone Rodya was right in driving your Pyotr Petrovitch away.ā⦠How dare he! how dare he put you in such lodgings! Itās a scandal! Do you know the sort of people they take in here? And you his betrothed! You are his betrothed? Yes? Well, then, Iāll tell you, your fiancĆ© is a scoundrel.ā
āExcuse me, Mr.Ā Razumihin, you are forgettingāā¦ā Pulcheria Alexandrovna was beginning.
āYes, yes, you are right, I did forget myself, I am ashamed of it,ā Razumihin made haste to apologise. āButā⦠but you canāt be angry with me for speaking so! For I speak sincerely and not becauseā⦠hm, hm! That would be disgraceful; in fact not because Iām inā⦠hm! Well, anyway, I wonāt say why, I darenāt.ā⦠But we all saw today when he came in that that man is not of our sort. Not because he had his hair curled at the barberās, not because he was in such a hurry to show his wit, but because he is a spy, a speculator, because he is a skinflint and a buffoon. Thatās evident. Do you think him clever? No, he is a fool, a fool. And is he a match for you? Good heavens! Do you see, ladies?ā he stopped suddenly on the way upstairs to their rooms, āthough all my friends there are drunk, yet they are all honest, and though we do talk a lot of trash, and I do, too, yet we shall talk our way to the truth at last, for we are on the right path, while Pyotr Petrovitchā⦠is not on the right path. Though Iāve been calling them all sorts of names just now, I do respect them allā⦠though I donāt respect Zametov, I like him, for he is a puppy, and that bullock Zossimov, because he is an honest man and knows his work. But enough, itās all said and forgiven. Is it forgiven? Well, then, letās go on. I know this corridor, Iāve been here, there was a scandal here at Number 3.ā⦠Where are you here? Which number? eight? Well, lock yourselves in for the night, then. Donāt let anybody in. In a quarter of an hour Iāll come back with news, and half an hour later Iāll bring Zossimov, youāll see! Goodbye, Iāll run.ā
āGood heavens, Dounia, what is going to happen?ā said Pulcheria Alexandrovna, addressing her daughter with anxiety and dismay.
āDonāt worry yourself, mother,ā said Dounia, taking off her hat and cape. āGod has sent this gentleman to our aid, though he has come from a drinking party. We can depend on him, I assure you. And all that he has done for Rodya.āā¦ā
āAh. Dounia, goodness knows whether he will come! How could I bring myself to leave Rodya?ā⦠And how different, how different I had fancied our meeting! How sullen he was, as though not pleased to see us.āā¦ā
Tears came into her eyes.
āNo, itās not that, mother. You didnāt see, you were crying all the time. He is quite unhinged by serious illnessā āthatās the reason.ā
āAh, that illness! What will happen, what will happen? And how he talked to you, Dounia!ā said the mother, looking timidly at her daughter, trying to read her thoughts and, already half consoled by Douniaās standing up for her brother, which meant that she had already forgiven him. āI am sure he will think better of it tomorrow,ā she added, probing her further.
āAnd I am sure that he will say the same tomorrowā⦠about that,ā Avdotya Romanovna said finally. And, of course, there was no going beyond that, for this was a point which Pulcheria Alexandrovna was afraid to discuss. Dounia went up and kissed her mother. The latter warmly embraced her without speaking. Then she sat down to wait anxiously for Razumihinās return, timidly watching her daughter who walked up and down the room with her arms folded, lost in thought. This walking up and down when she was thinking was a habit of Avdotya Romanovnaās and the mother was always afraid to break in on her daughterās mood at such moments.
Razumihin, of course, was ridiculous in his sudden drunken infatuation for Avdotya Romanovna. Yet apart from his eccentric condition, many people would have thought it justified if they had seen Avdotya Romanovna, especially at that moment when she was walking to and fro with folded arms, pensive and melancholy. Avdotya Romanovna was remarkably good-looking; she was tall, strikingly well-proportioned, strong and self-reliantā āthe latter quality was apparent in every gesture, though it did not in the least detract from the grace and softness of her movements. In face she resembled her brother, but she might be described as really beautiful. Her hair was dark brown, a little lighter than her brotherās; there was a proud light in her almost black eyes and yet at times a look of extraordinary kindness. She was pale, but it was a healthy pallor; her face was radiant with freshness and vigour. Her mouth was rather small; the full red lower lip projected a little as did her chin; it was the only irregularity in her beautiful face, but it gave it a peculiarly individual and almost haughty expression. Her face was always more serious and thoughtful than gay; but how well smiles, how well youthful, lighthearted, irresponsible, laughter suited her face! It was natural enough that a warm, open, simple-hearted, honest giant like Razumihin, who had never seen anyone like her and was not quite sober at the time, should lose his head immediately. Besides, as chance would have it, he saw Dounia for the first time transfigured by her love for her brother and her joy at meeting him. Afterwards he saw her lower lip quiver with indignation at her brotherās insolent, cruel and ungrateful wordsā āand his fate was sealed.
He had spoken the truth, moreover, when he blurted out in his drunken talk on the stairs that Praskovya Pavlovna, Raskolnikovās eccentric landlady, would be jealous of Pulcheria Alexandrovna as well as of Avdotya Romanovna on his account. Although Pulcheria Alexandrovna was forty-three, her face still retained traces of her former beauty; she looked much younger than her age, indeed, which is almost always the case with women who retain serenity of spirit, sensitiveness and pure sincere warmth of heart to old age. We may add in parenthesis that to preserve all this is the only means of retaining beauty to old age. Her hair had begun to grow grey and thin, there had long been little crowās foot wrinkles round her eyes, her cheeks were hollow and sunken from anxiety and grief, and yet it was a handsome face. She was Dounia over again, twenty years older, but without the projecting underlip. Pulcheria Alexandrovna was emotional, but not sentimental, timid and yielding, but only to a certain point. She could give way and accept a great deal even of what was contrary to her convictions, but there was a certain barrier fixed by honesty, principle and the deepest convictions which nothing would induce her to cross.
Exactly twenty minutes after Razumihinās departure, there came two subdued but hurried knocks at the door: he had come back.
āI wonāt come in, I havenāt time,ā he hastened to say when the door was opened. āHe sleeps like a top, soundly, quietly, and God grant he may sleep ten hours. Nastasyaās with him; I told her not to leave till I came. Now I am fetching Zossimov, he will report to you and then youād better turn in; I can see you are too tired to do anything.āā¦ā
And he ran off down the corridor.
āWhat a very competent andā⦠devoted young man!ā cried Pulcheria Alexandrovna exceedingly delighted.
āHe seems a splendid person!ā Avdotya Romanovna replied with some warmth, resuming her walk up and down the room.
It was nearly an hour later when they heard footsteps in the corridor and another knock at the door. Both women waited this time completely relying on Razumihinās promise; he actually had succeeded in bringing Zossimov. Zossimov had agreed at once to desert the drinking party to go to Raskolnikovās, but he came reluctantly and with the greatest suspicion to see the ladies, mistrusting Razumihin in his exhilarated condition. But his vanity was at once reassured and flattered; he saw that they were really expecting him as an oracle. He stayed just ten minutes and succeeded in completely convincing and comforting Pulcheria Alexandrovna. He spoke with marked sympathy, but with the reserve and extreme seriousness of a young doctor at an important consultation. He did not utter a word on any other subject and did not display the slightest desire to enter into more personal relations with the two ladies. Remarking at his first entrance the dazzling beauty of Avdotya Romanovna, he endeavoured not to notice her at all during his visit and addressed himself solely to Pulcheria Alexandrovna. All this gave him extraordinary inward satisfaction. He declared that he thought the invalid at this moment going on very satisfactorily. According to his observations the patientās illness was due partly to his unfortunate material surroundings during the last few months, but it had partly also a moral origin, āwas, so to speak, the product of several material and moral influences, anxieties, apprehensions, troubles, certain ideasā⦠and so on.ā Noticing stealthily that Avdotya Romanovna was following his words with close attention, Zossimov allowed himself to enlarge on this theme. On Pulcheria Alexandrovnaās anxiously and timidly inquiring as to āsome suspicion of insanity,ā he replied with a composed and candid smile that his words had been exaggerated; that certainly the patient had some fixed idea, something approaching a monomaniaā āhe, Zossimov, was now particularly studying this interesting branch of medicineā ābut that it must be recollected that until today the patient had been in delirium andā⦠and that no doubt the presence of his family would have a favourable effect on his recovery and distract his mind, āif only all fresh shocks can be avoided,ā he added significantly. Then he got up, took leave with an impressive and affable bow, while blessings, warm gratitude, and entreaties were showered upon him, and Avdotya Romanovna spontaneously offered her hand to him. He went out exceedingly pleased with his visit and still more so with himself.
āWeāll talk tomorrow; go to bed at once!ā Razumihin said in conclusion, following Zossimov out. āIāll be with you tomorrow morning as early as possible with my report.ā
āThatās a fetching little girl, Avdotya Romanovna,ā remarked Zossimov, almost licking his lips as they both came out into the street.
āFetching? You said fetching?ā roared Razumihin and he flew at Zossimov and seized him by the throat. āIf you ever dare.ā⦠Do you understand? Do you understand?ā he shouted, shaking him by the collar and squeezing him against the wall. āDo you hear?ā
āLet me go, you drunken devil,ā said Zossimov, struggling and when he had let him go, he stared at him and went off into a sudden guffaw. Razumihin stood facing him in gloomy and earnest reflection.
āOf course, I am an ass,ā he observed, sombre as a storm cloud, ābut stillā⦠you are another.ā
āNo, brother, not at all such another. I am not dreaming of any folly.ā
They walked along in silence and only when they were close to Raskolnikovās lodgings, Razumihin broke the silence in considerable anxiety.
āListen,ā he said, āyouāre a first-rate fellow, but among your other failings, youāre a loose fish, that I know, and a dirty one, too. You are a feeble, nervous wretch, and a mass of whims, youāre getting fat and lazy and canāt deny yourself anythingā āand I call that dirty because it leads one straight into the dirt. Youāve let yourself get so slack that I donāt know how it is you are still a good, even a devoted doctor. Youā āa doctorā āsleep on a feather bed and get up at night to your patients! In another three or four years you wonāt get up for your patientsā⦠But hang it all, thatās not the point!ā⦠You are going to spend tonight in the landladyās flat here. (Hard work Iāve had to persuade her!) And Iāll be in the kitchen. So hereās a chance for you to get to know her better.ā⦠Itās not as you think! Thereās not a trace of anything of the sort, brotherāā¦ā!ā
āBut I donāt think!ā
āHere you have modesty, brother, silence, bashfulness, a savage virtueā⦠and yet sheās sighing and melting like wax, simply melting! Save me from her, by all thatās unholy! Sheās most prepossessingā⦠Iāll repay you, Iāll do anything.āā¦ā
Zossimov laughed more violently than ever.
āWell, you are smitten! But what am I to do with her?ā
āIt wonāt be much trouble, I assure you. Talk any rot you like to her, as long as you sit by her and talk. Youāre a doctor, too; try curing her of something. I swear you wonāt regret it. She has a piano, and you know, I strum a little. I have a song there, a genuine Russian one: āI shed hot tears.ā She likes the genuine articleā āand well, it all began with that song; Now youāre a regular performer, a maĆ®tre, a Rubinstein.ā⦠I assure you, you wonāt regret it!ā
āBut have you made her some promise? Something signed? A promise of marriage, perhaps?ā
āNothing, nothing, absolutely nothing of the kind! Besides she is not that sort at all.ā⦠Tchebarov tried that.āā¦ā
āWell then, drop her!ā
āBut I canāt drop her like that!ā
āWhy canāt you?ā
āWell, I canāt, thatās all about it! Thereās an element of attraction here, brother.ā
āThen why have you fascinated her?ā
āI havenāt fascinated her; perhaps I was fascinated myself in my folly. But she wonāt care a straw whether itās you or I, so long as somebody sits beside her, sighing.ā⦠I canāt explain the position, brotherā⦠look here, you are good at mathematics, and working at it nowā⦠begin teaching her the integral calculus; upon my soul, Iām not joking, Iām in earnest, itāll be just the same to her. She will gaze at you and sigh for a whole year together. I talked to her once for two days at a time about the Prussian House of Lords (for one must talk of something)ā āshe just sighed and perspired! And you mustnāt talk of loveā āsheās bashful to hystericsā ābut just let her see you canāt tear yourself awayā āthatās enough. Itās fearfully comfortable; youāre quite at home, you can read, sit, lie about, write. You may even venture on a kiss, if youāre careful.ā
āBut what do I want with her?ā
āAch, I canāt make you understand! You see, you are made for each other! I have often been reminded of you!ā⦠Youāll come to it in the end! So does it matter whether itās sooner or later? Thereās the featherbed element here, brotherā āach! and not only that! Thereās an attraction hereā āhere you have the end of the world, an anchorage, a quiet haven, the navel of the earth, the three fishes that are the foundation of the world, the essence of pancakes, of savoury fish-pies, of the evening samovar, of soft sighs and warm shawls, and hot stoves to sleep onā āas snug as though you were dead, and yet youāre aliveā āthe advantages of both at once! Well, hang it, brother, what stuff Iām talking, itās bedtime! Listen. I sometimes wake up at night; so Iāll go in and look at him. But thereās no need, itās all right. Donāt you worry yourself, yet if you like, you might just look in once, too. But if you notice anythingā ādelirium or feverā āwake me at once. But there canāt be.āā¦ā